Understanding Anxious Attachement
What is Anxious Attachment?
An anxious attachment style stems from the earliest bonds we form in childhood. Those who experienced inconsistent caregiving—that is, sometimes receiving warmth and attention but other times feeling unseen or unsupported—may develop this attachment style. This inconsistency can create a deep fear of abandonment and a strong need for reassurance from others.
Common signs of anxious attachment:
Overthinking or second-guessing your place in someone's life.
Seeking constant validation.
Fear of rejection or abandonment.
Struggling with boundaries, often prioritizing others over yourself.
This attachment style often plays out in adult relationships through heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection, miscommunication, or emotional unavailability.
The Role of the Nervous System
Anxious attachment isn’t just about emotional needs. It’s deeply tied to how our nervous system responds to stress. When you feel ignored or rejected, your nervous system may perceive it as a threat, activating the "fight, flight, or freeze" response. That physiological response fuels the inner turmoil, amplifying your need for reassurance and connection.
Recognizing this connection is key to healing. The way you feel in your body often reflects what your mind believes about your relationships.
Recognizing Dysregulation
Have you ever experienced physical symptoms when you feared someone might pull away? A racing heart, sweaty palms, or difficulty concentrating? These are signs of a dysregulated nervous system responding to your emotional triggers.
Signs of Dysregulation
Feeling restless and on edge.
Trouble sleeping because your mind is racing.
Strong reactions (like panic or tearfulness) to seemingly small situations.
Ruminating over perceived slights or rejections.
Personal Story
I’ve been there too. I know what it feels like for your mind to run a million miles an hour, overthinking every interaction or anticipating rejection. There was a point when I realized that the constant dysregulation wasn’t only affecting my relationships with others but also my relationship with myself. It became clear that if I wanted deeper connections, I needed to start by creating a calm within my system.
When you learn to recognize these signs in yourself, you can take intentional steps to move from dysregulation into a place of inner calm.
Regulation Techniques
The foundation of healing an anxious attachment style lies in learning to regulate your nervous system. By doing so, you can create safety within yourself rather than sourcing it solely from others. Here are some practices rooted in the principles of polyvagal theory and self-compassion that can help.
1. Grounding Yourself with Polyvagal-Informed Practices
Polyvagal theory explains how the nervous system responds to different levels of safety and connection. To regulate, we need to find practices that help shift our personal state from fight-or-flight to calm and connected.
Breathwork
When anxious attachment flares up, try a breathing technique like box breathing:
Breathe in for 4 counts.
Hold your breath for 4 counts.
Exhale for 4 counts.
Hold for another 4 counts.
Repeating this cycle can signal your nervous system that it’s safe to relax.
Grounding Techniques
Grounding helps bring you back into the present moment when anxiety takes over. For example:
Focus on your five senses. Name something you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste.
Plant your feet firmly on the ground and imagine roots growing beneath you, anchoring you where you are.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
It’s easy to judge yourself when you notice your attachment patterns. Instead, shift toward compassion. Treat your anxious attachment as you would a close friend who’s struggling. Remind yourself:
"It’s okay to feel this way right now."
"I am worthy of love and connection, even if things feel uncertain."
Journaling can support self-compassion. Try writing letters to yourself that acknowledge your fears but also affirm the love and stability you deserve.
The Healing Journey
Healing anxious attachment is a process, not a one-time fix. It takes consistent practice and patience to rewire old emotional patterns.
Here’s how you can continue your healing process:
Educate yourself: Read about attachment styles to understand the "why" behind your emotions. This knowledge cultivates self-awareness.
Seek support: Therapists or coaches familiar with attachment and nervous system regulation can offer valuable guidance.
Build relationships with yourself first: Spend time alone connecting with your needs, joys, and emotions. When you become your source of stability, relationships feel less overwhelming or all-consuming.
Remember, progress might feel slow at times, but every small step you take matters.
Nurturing Peace and Connection
Regulating your anxious attachment isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about creating a sense of safety and calm within yourself, so you can experience relationships with clarity, trust, and connection.
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Be kind to yourself as you explore these practices, and remember that healing is a gift you give yourself. Each moment of regulation, each boundary you set, and each step toward self-compassion is a powerful act of love.
If you'd like more personalized support on this journey, consider working with someone who can guide you. Whether it’s a therapist, a coach, or another trained professional, this support could be the key to unlocking deeper healing.
You are more resilient and capable than you realize. Keep showing up for yourself. Healing awaits.
References
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love. Penguin Publishing Group.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind, Second Edition: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. The Guilford Press.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.
Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
