Overcoming Mom Guilt and Shame: A Guide for Every Mom
Parenting brings immeasurable joy, but it also brings countless doubts and worries. For many of us moms, those doubts often take a darker turn, manifesting as "mom guilt" or "mom shame." These feelings of inadequacy can leave us questioning everything and wondering if we’re truly doing enough for our kids.
I know this struggle all too well. Over the past nine years as a mom, I’ve experienced these feelings, sometimes so intensely it felt like I was failing. If you’ve felt this way too, you’re not alone. This blog will explore what mom guilt and shame are, how they show up in our daily lives, and, importantly, how we can manage and move past these overwhelming emotions.
What Is Mom Guilt and Shame?
Mom guilt is that nagging feeling that you’re not doing "enough" as a mother. Whether it’s guilt over missing your kid’s soccer game because of work or feeling shame that you didn’t prepare a perfectly balanced, organic dinner, the thoughts can be relentless.
I’ll share a story. A few months ago, I ended up sick with some bug; I literally slept all weekend on the couch. I had fallen asleep, and when I woke up it was around supper time. I had gone to the fridge to grab something to eat, and it dawned on me that I hadn’t made any snacks or started supper yet for my daughter. I fell to the floor and felt so awful. It was one of those “worst mom” moments, and as I lay on the floor crying, I thought to myself, “I am not a good enough mom. What kind of mom doesn’t make snacks for her kid?” I was spiraling out with my thoughts, reinforcing my negative thoughts of not being a good enough mom or human. I share this with you because we all have moments of feeling insecure as a mom.
Mom shame, on the other hand, often stems from external judgment. It’s the side glances at the grocery store when your kid throws a tantrum or the unsolicited "advice" from someone who thinks they know better. Over time, those outside opinions mix with inner guilt to create a heavy cloud of doubt.
Why Do We Feel This Way?
Moms face expectations from every direction. Society has set an impossibly high standard for mothers—we’re supposed to work full-time while simultaneously being available for every small moment in our children’s lives. It’s a balancing act that feels doomed from the start.
Cultural narratives often exacerbate the guilt. Scroll through Instagram, and you’ll see moms baking perfect homemade cookies, setting up adorable DIY sensory bins, or documenting "Pinterest-perfect" family outings. It’s hard not to compare and feel inadequate.
Combine this with the pressure we place on ourselves, and it’s no wonder that mom guilt becomes an almost constant presence in our lives.
How Does Mom Guilt and Shame Show Up in Our Lives?
Guilt and shame don’t always shout—they often creep in silently. You might notice it during quiet moments when ruminating thoughts take over or when you replay the events of a tough day.
Here’s how these feelings commonly manifest:
Negative Self-Talk: Thoughts like, "I’m a terrible mom" or "Why can’t I do this right?"
Constant Overthinking: Replaying situations and imagining what you "should" have done differently.
Resentment or Burnout: Trying to do everything perfectly leads to emotional exhaustion. Resentment may grow toward your partner, your kids, or even yourself.
Fear of Judgment: You avoid certain activities or parenting choices because you’re worried about others’ opinions.
Feeling Unworthy: Convincing yourself that you’re failing as a parent, even though your kids would disagree.
For single moms, the challenges can feel even heavier. Society often places added scrutiny on single mothers, and juggling everything alone leaves very little space for self-compassion.
How to Manage Intense Feelings of Guilt and Shame
The good news is you’re not powerless against these emotions. While mom guilt and shame may never disappear entirely, they can be managed so they don’t dictate your parenting or your life.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step is to recognize and name your emotions. When mom guilt crops up, take a deep breath and identify it for what it is. Say to yourself, "I notice I’m feeling guilty about missing bedtime because of work." Simply acknowledging the emotion without judgment gives it less power.
2. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts feed mom guilt and shame. Practice reframing these thoughts using evidence. For example:
Negative thought: "I’m not spending enough time with my kids."
Reframe: "I work hard to provide for my kids, and I make quality time with them a priority whenever I can."
Ask yourself, "Would I think this about my best friend if she were in the same situation?" Often, we hold ourselves to standards no one could reasonably meet.
3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Social media can be a breeding ground for unhealthy comparisons, but remember, it’s a highlight reel. You’re only seeing someone’s best moments, not the meltdowns and struggles that happen off-camera. Stay focused on your own parenting and what works for your family.
4. Set Realistic Expectations
You don’t have to be perfect to be an amazing mom. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on being "good enough." Show up for your kids, love them, and do your best, even if that means an occasional frozen pizza for dinner or letting the laundry pile up.
5. Ask for Help and Share Your Struggles
Motherhood has a way of making us feel like we need to do it all, but the truth is none of us were meant to parent alone. Build a support system, whether it’s through friends, family, or other moms. Share your struggles openly. You’ll likely find that others feel the same way, and it can be healing to know you’re not alone.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
When you make a mistake, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d extend to a friend. Remind yourself that you’re only human and that your worth as a mom isn’t tied to your mistakes.
7. Celebrate Small Wins
Take a moment to reflect on what you’re doing well. Did you comfort your child when they were upset? High-five! Did you juggle three tasks at once and manage to stay calm? That’s a win. Give yourself credit where it’s due.
Because You’re Doing Better than You Think
Mom guilt and shame are heavy, but here’s the truth: if you’re feeling these emotions, it’s because you care deeply about your kids. That caring is what makes you a great mom.
Parenting is messy, imperfect, and full of ups and downs. But at the heart of it is your love for your child—that’s what truly matters.
If mom guilt is weighing you down, take a moment to remind yourself of all the wonderful things you’ve done for your family. You are enough, just as you are.
And if the weight feels like too much to carry on your own, reach out for support. Whether it’s talking to a friend, joining a parenting group, or working with a counsellor, you don’t have to go through this alone.
References
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
American Psychological Association. (2020). The impact of parental guilt and how to manage it. Retrieved from [www.apa.org](https://www.apa.org).
Raising Children Network. (2021). Parental guilt. Retrieved from [www.raisingchildren.net.au](https://raisingchildren.net.au).
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Crown Publishing Group.
